Good morning Frenemies & Football Fans!
This past Monday I woke up with a certain pep back in my step. Sure, the world is burning and drowning almost impossibly & appropriately at the same time. And yes, the hopes of another National Championship for my Seminoles has most certainly been dashed…but none of that could poop on my parade. Not that day.
This past Sunday all the years of heartache, loss, disappointment and hardship were simply washed away – because I am a fan of the AFC South’s current Undefeated & Undisputed leader – the 2017 Sacksonville Jaguars!!!!
That’s right – I’m living the Duval Dream! WE’RE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!
…Well probably not. But it was fun to watch my hometown heroes win in such amazing fashion.
But yes – if you haven’t caught on yet – I’m one hap hap happy camper because the NFL is officially back in full swing & we don’t have to suffer through Sunday’s pretending to like baseball anymore!
After that small taste of victory I’m ready to once again yell at the TV like I know what I’m talking about, ruin friendships over fantasy drafts and imaginary scoring systems, talk smack and meme it up in an idiotic recap for your reading pleasure!
So grab a cup of coffee, sit back and relax – time to make a mockery out of the heartbreak of others and laugh at some of the hot garbage teams that aren’t mine highlighting Week 1 of the 2017 Season.
THE BIG UPSETS:
Ravens vs Bengals (20-0): Speaking of hot garbage, let’s go ahead and start with the Fire-Haired soulless wonder & one of the saddest things in Cincinnati: Bengals QB Andy Dalton. As I write the recap, I’ve currently got this boring Thursday Night snoozefest on between the Bengals and the Houston Texans – so why not start this off with the AFC North stinkers out of Ohio.
Coming off what can only be described as a “disappointing start” to the 2017 season, the Bengals have shifted to full Playoffs mode and managed to lose in epic fashion. Despite having an intriguing offense on paper with not only one of the most exciting WRs in the game with AJ “Get me outta this Contract” Green, AND one of the most talked about RB prospects to enter his rookie season this year in Joe “Fight Club” Mixon – they have manged to solidify themselves as front runners for saddest franchise in football this year.
I won’t give too much away about their performance tonight, but SPOILER ALERT – In 8 Quarters of play the Bengals have managed to score just 9 points. Not a typo. 9. And none of those points were from a Touchdown.
I think we all knew Cinci was struggling when 75 year old newly acquired Ravens WR Jeremy Maclin look like Antonio Brown…but tonight’s performance was on a whole new level of suck. I’m not a gambling man – but I bet it’s going to a be a pretty long and awful season if you’re unfortunate enough to be a Bengals fan.
FUN FACT: The last team to play their first 2 games of the season at home and not score a touchdown: The Eagles…in 1939.
Chiefs vs Patriots: (42-27) Coming hot off the historic comeback win against the Falcons in SuperBowl 51, evil genius Bill Belichick and TB12 (the greatest Quarterback to ever grace the field) were poised to start their expected/sure thing Undefeated Season in Foxboro to kickoff the 2017 season in style. They went all out – they dropped that 5th Banner to #humblebrag about being the World Champions, trotted out current and former players to bask in the glory, & they even passed out collectible Towels with Goodell’s face on them with a clown nose. It seemed like ol’ Tom Brady was in for one hell of a night!
But soon enough the excitement was just sucked out of the stadium – and it wasn’t long before Brady looked just deflated and not his usual self. The story quickly changed from will they repeat, to how will they stop the bleeding tonight?
The real story was the Kansas City Chief’s Kareem Hunt – rock-star stud on 2 of my fantasy teams that may just be my ticket to a championship. The guy had 246 yards overall and 3 TDs! And supposed “has-been” Alex Smith played lights out against The Pats, completing 28-35 passes for 368 yards and four Touchdowns.
And how did the GOAT do? Well unfortunately if you added up Tommy Boy’s TDs & Andy Dalton’s TDs from week 1, that wouldn’t be as many as Blake Bortles threw.
Is this the beginning of the end for ol’ Brady? Is it time to slap on his last pair of Uggs and start sipping his kale smoothies on a beach somewhere with while he polishes his 5 rings? Time will tell…but probably not.
Fun Fact: The last 3 times the Patriots have started 0-1, they won the Superbowl (2001, 2003, 2014)
Funner Fact: The Patriots were leading until the Chiefs went on a 28-3 run……Isn’t it Ironic?
Jaguars vs Texans: (29-7) In the Game of the Week, these two perennial bottom feeders met in Houston to battle it out for title of “Shiniest Turd in the Toilet” said toilet being the AFC South. This was, for most of America, the game to miss….or so you’d assume.
However, having had the unfortunate pleasure of being a resident of Actionville when the NFL birthed the abomination known as the Jaguars, I am and will be loyal til the goddamned end and I watch every single game. Year after year it’s the same shit – different pile. Good on paper, fodder on the field. Stuck in a non-stop “Rebuilding year” since 2007.
Well can you imagine my surprise when my boys decided they knew how to football? Against arguably one of the best defenses in the league (atleast in recent years), the Jaguars put up a STAGGERING 29 points against JJ Watt & crew. Led by the Curious Case of Blake Bortles (seriously, the guy looks like Mark Brunell’s older brother) the notoriously awful QB managed to throw for 125 yards, 1 Touchdown and – Most impressively – ZERO interceptions!?! For a guy that finished last season with more career Pick Sixes than career Wins, that is pretty damn impressive!
What’s more impressive is the fact that the Defense played LIGHTS OUT against Nic Cage Impersonator and current bench warmer QB Tom Savage, as well as the Clemson phenom known as DeShaun Watson.
MOST Impressive is the fact that the Jaguars defense accumulated a Franchise high 10 sacks in the game, and newly added Defensive lineman Calais Campbell racked up a record 4 himself.
Bad news: We lost Allen Robinson…but the good news is, Fournette may be the best Leonard to happen to Jacksonville since Skynyrd.
I may be getting ahead of myself, but I’m getting ready to book my flight to Minnesota for Feb 4th 2018…
Fun Fact: 1st season Opener since 2011 Jaguars have won since 2011
Funner Fact: WE’RE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!!
OTHER MEME-WORTHY GAMES to MENTION:
Eagles vs Redskins (30-17) In a division ripe for the taking, there aren’t possibly two teams I could care less about than these two dumpster fires. Few good things have come out of Philly -aside from the Fresh Prince & Always Sunny & Washington is a cesspool of corruption and douchebaggery so I dislike the by default due the political association. However something about Washington’s lovable Leading loser Kirk Cousins makes me wanna root for the poor guy. He tries so hard…poor guy.
Truth be told, Philly has some scary talent this year. Since getting rid of Human-Manatee and Chris Farley Impersonator Chip Kelly, the team has been on the rise. Eagles acquired Bears great Alshon Jeffery, they’re grooming Carson Wentz to be a precision machine, and somehow they’re teaching Nelson Agholor how to catch the damn ball.
And on the other side, Washington brought in the only shining light in Cleveland besides Lebron – Terrelle Pryor Jr, and re-signed their forever Franchise tag QB Kirk Cousins – who can’t decide if he’s elite and wants to throw 5 touchdowns, or if he’s Jay Cutler and wants to throw 5 interceptions.
Well unfortunately for Skins fans, Kirk decided to be the latter in week 1, while Carson played so well he almost made Philly look like a team worth rooting for…almost.
Vikings vs Saints (29-19): The highly anticipated return of the once great Adrian Peterson to the team that forgot him was the 1st Monday Night Football Main Event of the Season…and boy was it disappointing (for Saints that is).
In a performance that could be best described as “meh” – New Orleans made us wonder why they even signed AP at all. Seriously.
Peterson rushed only 6 times for just 18 yards (even Blake Bortles was able to rush 13 yards). It was an underwhelming night for the NFL Great – and his frustration absolutely showed through on the sidelines as he shot daggers at HeadCoach Sean Peyton as he paced furiously on the sidelines.
Not sure what the Saints expect though – AP is pushing 33, and they just gave their best Wide Receiver Brandin Cooks to the Patriots…you think that’s gonna make things easier on poor ol’ Drew Brees?
In contrast – FSU legend and Future Hall-of-Famer Dalvin Cook made his Vikings debut – rushing an impressive 127 yards in his first NFL game (AP rushed 107 in his 1st as a Viking). Oh and Stefon Diggs & Sam Bradford lit up the night – with 2 of Bradford’s 3 TDs going to Diggs. A healthy Bradford may be a dangerous man in the pocket…but then again he’ll probably be broken by week 3 again.
Minnesota owned the night and it was a truly rough one for New Orleans fans…But at least they can bounce back next week when they face the Patriots…
OTHER GAMES I DON’T HAVE TIME TO MOCK
As usually I’ve rambled on too long – so I’ll start wrapping it up with the other scores in case you cared:
Bills vs Jets (21-12) – Fun Fact: the NY Yankees scored 13 pts on Sunday… one more point that the NY Jets.
Steelers vs Browns (21-18) – You have Antonio Brown & only beat the Browns by 3? Congrats?
Lions vs Cardinals (35-23) – David Johnson goes down, as do the Cardinals and the Fantasy hopes of thousands of losers like me across the country.
Cowboys vs Giants (19-3) – Giant Disappointments is more like it.
Raiders vs Titans (26-16) – Nothing but a good ol’ fashioned- Beastmode Beatdown.
Colts vs Rams (46-9) – Looks like the Colts are…Out of Luck…(I couldn’t resist).
Falcons vs Bears (23-17) – Don’t let the score fool you, Atlanta tried their best to choke again.
Panthers vs 49ers (23-3) – Seems about right.
Greenbay vs Seattle (17-9) – Ain’t so tough without that 12th man are ya?
Broncos vs Chargers (24-21) – Fun Fact: After collecting $16 Million from the Browns to leave and never come back, Brock Osweiler is back in Denver as a back up again.
OK, I’M DONE
In case you actually stuck around and read all that – thanks, I’m not sure if it was worth it, but I’m proud of you!! If you didn’t, well it’s probably cause your team sucks and I trashed them early. Either way, appreciate your reading this nonsense this morning – hopefully it helped to start your day off with a smile…
If not, then at least take comfort in knowing the Patriots have a worse record than the Jaguars and maybe that will bring a grin to your face.
Until next time – Go Sacksonville & Have a Great Day!
