Written by: Shaun Curran, AJ Speck, Shawn Fensterman & Ted Flint. You can check out the first 16 picks here.
Shaun: Welcome back Sports Fanatics and home-team homers! Glad to have you back here with us as we dive into Part II of The Tailgate Society’s 2017 Fictional Fantasy Draft!! The rules haven’t changed and we’re jumping right back in where we left off last time with the 2nd half of the 1st round – starting off with the 17th Pick. We had an eventful start to the draft, and if the previous picks are any indication, the only thing to be sure of is that we can expect the unexpected.
Well without further ado, let’s get this show on the road – I’ll throw it on over to AJ to start us off and kick this 2nd half into high gear!
AJ: Thanks Shaun! No time to stall – pick 17 is up and, wait, are those drums? Oh no, they didn’t. No. Please no… The Redskins ownership has donned Hobby Lobby quality Native American outfits and are howling around a fake fire. The crowd is booing, this is unbelievable.
Let’s get this over with – here comes Dan Snyder to announce his team’s pick along with what seems to be an adviser.
“With the 17th pick in the 2017 Fictional Player Draft, the Redskins pick the black gu…”
*adviser leans in: “you can’t say that”
Snyder: “Umm, okay not the white lineba…”
*adviser again: “that either”
Snyder: “Fine. Julius Campbell, we pick Julius Campbell from TC Williams HS (Remember the Titans)”
And with that it seems Mr Snyder has thrown his $5 headdress and is pouting on the stage. Let’s cut to commercial, he’s beginning to throw a fit.
Shawn: Way to keep it classy, Snyder. Looks like the crowd has calmed a bit and Roger Goodell is making his way back onto the stage. Surprisingly, the boos seem to be louder for the commissioner than they were for that interesting display the Redskins just provided us with.
“With the 18th pick, the Tennessee Titans select DT Spike Hammersmith of the Urbania Pee-Wee Cowboys.”
Wow. As that announcement is clearly met with a clamoring echo of “whys” from the crowd, yet looking in on the Titans war room, it seems just jubilant in there. They are going wild. Champagne is being popped. The front office feels like this is the steal of draft. Spike brings strength, speed, and youth to a depleted Titan defense.
Personally I would have advised them to wait for young Spike to go through puberty before subjecting him to the experience of playing in the NFL – but I guess that’s why I’m sitting here, and not in there with the big wigs…
Shaun: Next up are the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who have made it known they are looking to provide some much needed speed to their already high powered offense. It looks like they’ve been sitting on this selection for a few rounds, because the Commissioner is already making his way back to the mic to make the announcement – let’s listen in…
“With the 19th overall Pick in the Draft, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select – Kick Returner from the University of Alabama, Forrest Gump”
Cheers ring throughout the crowd as almost in unison they are chanting “Run Forrest, RUN!!”
Forrest is making his way on to the stage walking awkwardly towards Goodell.
Now here’s a feel good story if I’ve ever heard one. Gump is a man of the people – told he wouldn’t walk at a very young age and wore braces on his legs until in his early teens. Not only does he go to the University of Alabama, but he also gets drafted in the War, goes over to Vietnam and saves the lives of countless men & receives the Medal of Honor.
Gump is whispering something to Goodell, and although puzzled, Goodell nods his head in agreement and shrugs his shoulders saying “sure, why not”
I’ve just received word that the Bucs will be utilizing his speed not only on kickoffs/special teams, but also in running plays and wildcat formations.
Gump abruptly pulls down his pants and shows the Commissioner his buttocks as Goodell can only look in shock at what he just witnessed.
Well – this is unexpected! It seems as though the young man thought it’d be appropriate to show the commissioner where he was shot…which just so happens to be in his rear-end. Hahaha, at least this seems to be in line with everything else tonight.
Ted: Every time I think we’ve seen it all, the next pick just comes out and shocks us a bit more. This is why we do what we do! Looks like the Commissioner is composing himself after that interesting display and is ready to announce the next selection.
“With the 20th pick the Denver Broncos select Tight End Brian Murphy of the Washington Sentinels.(The Replacements)”
This makes sense. The Broncos have not had a decent tight end since Julius Thomas left for the Jags. This is the safe pick.
Brian Murphy being the first deaf player ever drafted. Roger Goodell is quick to shake his hand and whisper something in his ear. Murphy pulls back and starts signing frantically. Wait does Goodell not know he is deaf? He is just staring at the piece of paper in his hand. This is quickly becoming awkward. Murphy does the one hand signal Goodell does understand before walking off stage, before he even got photos with his Broncos jersey.
Shawn: Even though we’re now 20 picks deep, it seems the Detroit Lions haven’t even begun discussing who they’re going to take. As we just looked in on their War Room, there seems to be about 6 empty cases of Busch Light thrown around the room, and a lot of pure confusion.
Matt Stafford keeps screaming from a chair in the corner with his arms crossed like a child “All I want for Christmas is Calvin back!”
With 17 seconds left on the clock, they finally turn in a pick.
“With the 21st pick the Detroit Lions select Derek Wallace. Kicker, SCLSU (The Waterboy).”
The entire room falls silent into confusion. It seems the Lions have ruined yet another first round pick. Congrats on another bright season to look forward to Detroit.
Ted: 21 picks into this draft and it is time for the Miami Dolphins to make a pick. This is the team that drafted Ted Ginn Jr in the 1st round. How can they screw this up? Well if tonight has shown us one thing – its that ANYTHING is possible!
“With the 22nd pick the Miami Dolphins draft Spencer Strasmore of the….. Miami Dolphins?!?! (Ballers)”
The lights go dark. From the loud speakers blares: IF YOU SMELL…….
Lights go up. Spencer Strasmore is standing behind Goodell he grabs him. Throws his arm behind his head and jumps in the air and slams Goodell on the stage. Grabs his jersey from his limp hand and as well as the microphone as he turns to walk off the stage…before exiting completely, Stratsmore looks back at the crowd, raises his eyebrow and recites smoothly “What The Rock…is cooking” He then drops the mic and walks completely out of view.
ROCK BOTTOM, ROCK BOTTOM!! Spencer Strasmore just decimated the Commissioner and the crowd is going NUTS!!! My lord, in all my years of announcing I’ve never seen anything like this!!!
Shaun: While no one wants to see someone permanently injured, I can’t say that we here at the announcer’s table didn’t thoroughly enjoy watching Goodell get what was coming to him.
On the clock are the New York Giants, and while there seems to be a bit of commotion on the stage still after Strasmore’s Rock Bottom, it doesn’t appear that anyone is rushing to the aid of the fallen Commissioner – nor are they stopping the show in any fashion whatsoever.
Making his way to the stage is former Giants great, and TV personality Michael Strahan to make the Giant’s selection.
“With the 23rd pick in the 2017 draft, The New York City Giants select…OLB Becky “Icebox” O’Shea of the Urbania, OH Pee-Wee team – “The Little Giants””
Well an odd and eerie silence has met the room…with the scattered sound of mixed reactions from random applause, to boos, to what can only be described as confusion. While the Giants are in need of a Linebacker, and this young lady has broken down barriers to become the 1st female drafted in the NFL – AND she comes from great pedigree as her uncle Kevin O’Shea is a Heisman winning Football legend…however at just 13 years old, one has to wonder do they honestly feel this young lady has what it takes or was this just a publicity stunt to sell jerseys and be ahead of the PC curve? Only time will tell – but my money’s on the later.
Ted: I think you may be right there Shaun. But crazier things have happened. Speaking of crazy, this draft is still in high gear – and it looks like the newly acquired Marshawn Lynch is making his way to the stage to announce Oakland’s choice now!
“I’m just here so I don’t get fined…haha – just kidding. With the 24th pick the Oakland Raiders select RB Smash Williams from the Dillon Panthers. (Friday Night Lights)”
I have to say, I think Smash is the safe pick here. Hard hitting Running Back who is coming off of winning the Heisman trophy. He will have plenty of time to learn behind Beast Mode – I just hope you enjoy skittles, Smash.
Smash walks up to the podium careful not to step on the still unconscious body of Roger Goodell and immediately starts going into a speech about how great he is and how everyone will regret not taking him. He stops mid speech. The Camera pans to Coach Eric Taylor in the crowd. His tear-filled eyes tell a story for another day. Smash and he make eye contact. His mood shifts quickly. He says one more word “Thanks” and walks away.
With all we have seen today, that was a welcome relief.
AJ : Suddenly the lights go dark and an ominous voice comes over the loudspeakers…
“With the 25th pick the Houston Texans draft Shane Falco. Quarterback for the Washington Sentinels. (The Replacements)”
Suddenly the lights come back on as an odd feeling grazes over the crowd.
Not sure what just happened there gentlemen, but it looks like with Commissioner Goodell still on the floor, the newly drafted Buffalo Bills QB Johnny Utah has made his way to the stage to welcome Shane to the league in n interesting moment of good faith and solidarity.
Wait..Something is wrong here… Why do they look so alike?? They are sizing each other up. Both say “whoa” in unison. I don’t like this guys. Why is my nose bleeding, Why can’t I see the color red anymore? And why is Shaun’s head now the head of a goldfish?? They are going to shake hands now and…WHAT IS THAT FLASH?!? MY EYES!
We are trying to see what is going on through the smoke. The podium is slightly on fire. Goodell is still on the floor and Johnny Utah and Shane Falco have vanished..
There are definitely strange things happening at the Circle K… eeer I mean 2017 Fictional Character Fantasy Draft.
Shawn: As the Seattle Seahawks go on the clock with the 26th pick, “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” immediately begins blaring over the speakers. Louie Lastik, from TC Williams High (Remember the Titans), makes his way to the stage, where it seems Goodell seems to finally be staggering up to his feet. Louie wraps his arms around him and embraces for a giant bear hug. When he lets go, Goodell seems to be unconscious again, and crumbles back to the floor.
Okay..while no official announcement was made, I guess this means Lastik will be playing for Pete Carroll next year. Fantastic pick, and definitely an unorthodox way to make the announcement, but this crowd seemed to love it, and honestly I’d be lying if I said didn’t enjoy it too.
Shaun: Same here Shawn – and that certainly was a big-ol-bearhug if I’ve ever seen one! It does appear though that that hug by Lastik may have jump started the Commissioner’s heart and he is stumbling up to his feet again limping across the stage back to the microphone. I guess he might see the end of this evening after all!
Holding his head with one hand and his back with the other, Goodell leans into the mic.
“With, um, sorry…with the 27th pick in the draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select Linebacker Frederick Palowaski, Adams College (Revenge of the Nerds)”
Immediately upon hearing his name, Palowaski rushes the stage, spears Goodell lying him out on the floor. He then Palowaski jumps to his feet and simply screams “It’s Ogre!!” at Goodell’s lifeless body. He then chugs what looks like a pony keg, lets out a massive BELCH that echos throughout the auditorium and screams “NEERDDSSS!!” as he turns to walk off stage, laughing.
The cameras pan back to the TGS announcers table, all left with their mouths agape.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I feel really bad for Roger Goodell right now. No one deserves this type of abuse…not even him. That said, what an amazing pick this late in the draft. I’d say it may have been the steal of this first round so far!!
Shaun: Moving right along, it’s Dallas’ time on the clock. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has made it well known he doesn’t feel there really is much talent worth reaching for in this first round and has mentioned numerous times he’d be in favor of acquiring more talent in later rounds. Speak of the devil, here comes Jerry to the podium now.
“With the 28th pick in the 2017 Draft, my Dallas Cowboys select – nobody. That’s right – nothing but a bunch a clowns in this round anyways. I got Dak and Zeke, why do I need these guys? I done traded this pick to those dummies in Jacksonville for their 2nd and 3rd round picks. Hehehe, bunch a dummies. Anyways, they selected some old shoe salesman out of Chicago – Al Bundy (Married with Children). Like it matters anyways, they still stink. Jerry OUT”
Haha, say what you will about that crazy old bastard, Jerry does say what’s on his mind and could not give a hoot who doesn’t like it. Anyways, regarding that Jacksonville pick – I’m surprised but not really. Coughlin has not been a fan of the struggling Bortles, and rumor is he DID instruct GM Dave Caldwell to draft a QB…however not sure this is what he had in mind.
Sure, back in his day Bundy was quite the athlete – we’ve all heard the stories that this Polk High Alum once threw 4 TDs in a single game…but that was 35 years ago. Seems to me, might be a little late to be making a comeback at his age. On top of that, they just sold the farm for what seems like magic beans!!
On the other hand, he and Bortles do look about the same age, so at least he’s got that going for him.
One can only image the savage beating Coughlin is currently giving the sure to be fired Dave Caldwell right now.Congrats Jax, you’ve thoroughly lived up to your reputation this evening. Over to you AJ!
AJ: At this point, nothing will surprise me about this draft – I think we may have seen it all. Moving on, Green Bay’s pick is up and it’s widely known that Packers GM Ted Thompson tends to go back into the second round and with a stockpile of talent still available I’d guess that’s what we see here. Here comes Brett Favre to make the announcement, as Goodell’s possibly paralyzed
His body still lies motionless on the floor.
“The 29th pick has been traded from the Green Bay Packers to the San Francisco 49ers for the draft rights to CB Petey Jones, as well as a 2nd round pick in the 2019 Draft. And now with the 29th pick in the 2017 Fictional Player Draft, the San Francisco 49ers now select Chris Comer, RB, Permian HS (Friday Night Lights)”
Wow! A draft day first! Green Bay has managed to trade the 29th pick for the 2nd overall! Not only did they acquire that much needed CB, but Lynch gets the needed RB in San Fran that he initially wanted!! Ted Thompson isn’t smiling but we think there’s some happiness somewhere in the old ghost.
Shawn: What an intense chain of events! Next up are the Pittsburgh Steelers. Most experts are projecting a pick on the defensive side of the ball to reinforce the Steel Curtain. Troy Polamalu emerges to announce the pick. His hair seems three times longer and has significantly more, um, “poof” than the last time we saw him.
“With the 30th pick, the Steelers select Danny Bateman. Linebacker, Washington Sentinels (The Replacements)”
Bateman stands up and lets out what can only be compared to war shriek and rushes the stage. Polamalu turns around in fear and begins to run backstage where he disappears with Bateman hot on his tail.
Ted: Fresh off the biggest choke job in Super Bowl history the Falcons are on the clock. And the pick is in. Out of the curtains comes a man? He looks familiar yet odd at the same time. He seems to be gingerly stepping over Roger Goodell’s still body as he puts on a blonde bowl cut wig and it looks like he’s got something to say…
“With the 31st pick the Atlanta Falcons select Ray Finkle, former Kicker for the Miami Dolphins. (Ace Ventura)”
He then tears the wig off and rushes into the crowd. Stops abruptly and starts walking back to what is left of the charred podium. He starts to speak. But right before he has a coughing fit, cough** “LACES OUT”** cough cough!
“First I would like to thank Roger Goodell for doing a great job on my name.” He then steps two steps to his left, put the wig back on. Walks back to the mic. “No problem Mr. Finkle!” He then attempts to gives himself a high five.
Camera cuts back to TGS set. They are all sitting there slack jawed at what they are witnessing.
We go now live to the Falcons headquarters where Falcons GM Thomas Dimitroff is talking.
“We knew we needed a kicker after last years Super Bowl so we went with the only kicker on the board with a Super Bowl on his resume. Didn’t even bother with tape. We are really proud of this pick.”
The Camera goes back to the stage where Mr. Finkle is reading from black notebook, is he reading his manifesto? This evening cannot end soon enough. One more pick left.
AJ: Its time for the 32nd pick – we have finally made it to the end ladies and gentlemen!
The lights go dark a lone spotlight shines on the still body of Roger Goodell on the stage floor. He suddenly leaps up, but his body is limp. Are those strings attached to him? What is going on? In the shadows above the stage there appears to be a hoodie wearing figure? What is going on here.
From the speakers a voice that could be Goodell? Maybe? It’s a slow almost robotic voice. There has been a trade. The Saints have traded away their 1st round pick a pick they got from the Patriots back to the Patriots?? What is going on. Goodell is still up there kind of swaying, his entire body is limp. Eyes still closed it appears. It’s almost like he is a puppet to the guy in the hoodie above him. If we zoom in we can see what appears to be strings. This is so surreal..
“With the 32nd pick the New England Patriots select QB Matt Saracen from the Dillon Panthers (Friday Night Lights)”
Almost immediately Goodell’s lifeless body is yanked into the air by the strings supporting him and vanishes into the darkness as if he were never there at all. The camera pans back to the TGS guys still in shock…
I KNEW HE WASN’T A REAL PERSON!! Didn’t I tell you guys!?!? Whoo! haha, ok, let’s finish this up. What a way to end the night. Goodell is revealed to be the puppet we all thought he truly was, and the puppet master, Bill Belichick snaked his way back into the 1st round to secure his teams future with the selection of Saracen, as he will be the backup quarterback to Tom Brady for the next few years and eventual heir to the throne.
Shaun: Well ladies and gentlemen, I think that just about does it for us here at TGS. I do believe I can say with confidence that if anything tonight was…unexpected. Thank you all for joining us today for our official coverage of the 2017 Fictional Fantasy Draft. It’s been real…and it’s been fun…but has it been real fun? We’d like to think so, and we hope you thought so too.
It’s been a pleasure to bring this years coverage to you and we’d love to know your feedback – so comment away! From all of us at the the TGS Draft Team – thanks again, have a great day and we hope the real draft goes a bit smoother for you and your personal fandom! Enjoy the draft, and hopefully this weekend’s excitement will tide us over until the real fun starts again in September!!!
