Only the Patriots, Ravens, Broncos, and Vikings are undefeated. Just like we all predicted they would be. The Patriots can win with anyone on their team. Literally anyone. Other than that, the NFL feels like a jumbled pack of mediocrity. Week 4 is here and maybe we’ll learn a little bit more about who’s good at football and who’s garbage.
Miami Dolphins (1-2) at Cincinnati Bengals (1-2)
THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL. The cream of the crop! Pure garbage entertainment to hold us all over until Sunday. The Dolphins are trying so hard to be good, so so hard. They beat the Browns though! Andy Dalton is disappointing me fantasy-wise so I benched his ass. The Bengals defense has been bad, but Vontaze Burfict is returning after a three-game suspension. I can’t wait to see what dirty plays he makes to take his frustration of being suspended out. An NFL Network exclusive, Thursday night, y’all.
Winner: Bengals
Indianapolis Colts (1-2) at Jacksonville Jaguars (0-3)
RISE AND SHINE, NFLers! The Colts and Jags have made the trip across the pond for the NFL’s annual attempt to try to force Europe to like American Football. A 9:30am EST kick-off for two of the league’s most underwhelming teams, it’s a matter of time before the Jaguars become the London Jaguars. It’ll happen and it’ll be awful. Cheerio.
Winner: Jaguars get their FIRST WIN OF THE SEASON IN MERRY OL’ LONDON!
Tennessee Titans (1-2) at Houston Texans (2-1)
The Texans have lost JJ Watt for likely the entire season. It’s time for their miracle, new-look offense to step-up and carry the Texans to AFC South glory. The Titans are 8th in rushing, with big games from their rookie Heisman winner and DeMarco Murray. We’ll see what the Texans look like without Watt. The Titans might sneak a divisional win here.
Winner: Titans
Cleveland Browns (0-3) at Washington Redskins (1-2)
The Browns are trash. Cousins will probably throw some INTs to Joe Haden and Jamar Taylor, but the Redskins are better than the Browns. Barely.
Winner: Redskins
Seattle Seahawks (2-1) at New York Jets (1-2)
Russell Wilson’s ankle got better, then he sprained his MCL. But Russell Wilson is made of non-human parts, so of course he’s proclaiming there’s “no doubt” he’ll be playing on Sunday. Thomas Rawls is out for a while, but never fear, C-Mike is here!
(This is what comes up with you search Christine Michael)
Ryan Fitzpatrick threw SIX interceptions against the Chiefs. He doesn’t want any part of the Seattle secondary. Despite injuries, Seattle is still Seattle.
Winner: Seattle Seahawks
Buffalo Bills (1-2) at New England Patriots (3-0)
The Patriots are on their final week without Tom Brady. And they have defied the critics who claimed they’d be garbage without him. They’re 3-0 after using two different quarterbacks. Both who have suffered injuries. So who’s going to start at QB for the Pats? Doesn’t matter. They’ll still win. Put a god damned broom in there under center and Belichick will still win.
Winner: The broom under center for the Patriots
Carolina Panthers (1-2) at Atlanta Falcons (2-1)
Just as we all expected, the Panthers have started 1-2. They lost to the Vikings. Wait – they lost to the Vikings defense. This is bananas. Cam has been wearing ridiculous outfits and ridiculous hats all season and it’s not helping them at all. The Falcons have the best offense in the league and a terrible defense. If the Panthers defense can stay on top of the Falcons hot offense, their offense can take advantage of their shitty defense and get out on top early.
Winner: Panthers
Oakland Raiders (2-1) at Baltimore Ravens (3-0)
Oakland added so many big pieces on defense this off-season but it’s just not working out quite yet. They are the 32nd ranked defense in the league. That’s 32 out of 32. But they have the 2nd best offense in the league. I’m seeing a pattern here. The Ravens boast the 2nd best defense in the league. It’s going to be a matter of number two’s this week in Baltimore. If the Ravens’ defense can be clicking on all cylinders and get the home crowd on their side, they’ll remain undefeated.
Winner: Baltimore Ravens
Detroit Lions (1-2) at Chicago Bears (0-3)
The Bears are garbage. They might be a bigger garbage pile than the damn Browns. The Lions are bad, but not too terrible. They have the 4th best offense in the league. The Bears will feel that on Sunday.
Winner: Detroit Lions
Denver Broncos (3-0) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-2)
This just isn’t fair. The Broncos started their first road trip of the season against the struggling Bengals and now they travel south to Tampa Bay. Nobody can mess with Denver’s defense. I don’t want to be an offense that has to play Von Miller. Broncos roll easily to 4-0.
Winner: Denver Broncos
St. Louis Rams (2-1) at Arizona Cardinals (1-2)
What is wrong with the Arizona Cardinals? They were demolished by the Buffalo Bills last week and I don’t know if they’ll sneak by the Rams. I have no idea because I have no idea what the heck is wrong with the Cardinals. They’re broken. Someone needs to fix them. Or don’t. It’s entertaining. Meanwhile, after never scoring a touchdown, the Rams finally did score a TD and beat the underwhelming Bucs last week. With my luck, the damn Cardinals will shut out the Rams because nothing makes sense in life anymore.
Winner: Arizona Cardinals
New Orleans Saints (0-3) at San Diego Chargers (1-2)
Philip Rivers and his 15 children disappointed me last week, losing to the Colts. This is going to be another offensive game for the Saints (aren’t they all?). The Chargers defense is garbage and Drew Brees will have a hay-day against them. Luckily for Philip and his 15 children, he could also have a hay-day against the non-existent Saints defense.
Winner: Saints
Dallas Cowboys (2-1) at San Francisco 49ers (1-2)
The Cowboys looked damn good Sunday night – but that was against the Bears. Prescott and Elliott have this offense on a roll. The 49ers are butt.
Winner: Dak Prescott makes my fantasy team the best and leads the Cowboys to a victory
Kansas City Chiefs (2-1) at Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1)
These teams are pretty even-matched. The Steelers are probably embarrassed and pissed off that Philadelphia handed them their worst loss in 27 years last week. The Steelers will get Le’Veon Bell back from suspension and they couldn’t need him to have a big game more. If DeAngelo Williams and Bell can hand the Chiefs shaky run-defense a one, two punch they’ll be in business to open up the passing game.
Winner: Pittsburgh Steelers
New York Giants (2-1) at Minnesota Vikings (3-0)
No Teddy. No AD. No problem. The Vikings are 3-0 thanks to a defense that is one of the best in the league. Though their offense is definitely bottom of the barrel (31st) the defense might be enough to rattle Eli and knock the Giants on their butt. This is an interesting matchup… I’m intrigued and I definitely will actually be watching Monday Night Football this week. Does anyone else miss Mike Tirico as much as I do?
Winner: Minnesota Vikings