Every Saturday, millions of eyeballs turn towards screens of all sizes, watching the key matchups that ESPN, Fox, and CBS carry each week. These mostly P5 games are the talk of bars, smoke breaks, and group texts until the next Saturday rolls around. Then, like clockwork, millions of eyes turn toward the key matchups that ESPN, Fox and CBS carry, again. It’s a vicious cycle that keeps millions of drone like men and women watching hours of meaningless football, when they could be watching something fun.
Each week, we’ll be bringing you info about games in timeslots all Saturday long to set as the backup on the remote for all the P5 sheeple out there. When you get bored of a blowout and are tired of channel surfing, it’s totally normal to want to experience something special and more wild than you’ll ever find in the big conferences on Saturday afternoon.
Week 1
What the Normies will be watching:
12:00 pm Eastern – Oregon State @ Ohio State (ABC), Ole Miss @ Texas Tech (ESPN), Texas v. Maryland (FS1)
What do all these games have in common? Well, a bunch of people making terrible decisions during the last few years, to start with. This might as well be the rug sweeping time slot. Sure, you could cheer on Oregon State in what will ultimately be a losing effort vs. The University of The Red Triple Cock Ring Thong. It’ll be easy to be disappointed as Texas Tech puts up 700 yards and still somehow loses at home to Ole Miss. Maybe we could even try not to think too much about the conditioning of the Maryland team or wonder if Urban’s memory problems somehow transferred to Tom Herman, like some kind of ridiculous excuse contagion. But, there are alternatives.
What all the cool kids should be viewing:
Florida Atlantic @ Oklahoma (Fox)
Come to see if Oklahoma’s new QB Kyler Murray is the real deal, stay to watch Lane Kiffin troll Lincoln Riley. Seriously, it wouldn’t stun me it at all if FAU never punted, or did something else insane like installing the triple option in secrecy, just to deploy on Saturday. Sure, the Owls are 20 point dogs. But playing at an Oklahoma who is year one on both coach and quarterback, well, stranger things have happened.
What the losers will be napping in front of:
3:30 pm Eastern – Washington @ Auburn (ABC), West Virginia @ Tennessee (CBS)
A Petersen coached team wandering into the south for the opener in some neutral site action is always an interesting time, but I feel like the Huskies have this thing fully under control. In the opposite of under control, WVU v. Tennessee should be a [insert whatever here] fire of the highest order, and only those who truly loathe themselves and do not have basic cable and/or streaming services should even consider watching this mess. Including both fanbases.
The game the winners will be enjoying:
Washington State @Wyoming (CBSSN)
Wyoming got themselves a w during their Week 0 matchup with the Red Aggies of New Mexico State. Of course, half the pundits in the country immediately christened them the defense to beat in the Mountain West. WSU should be a solid test. It’s going to be interesting to see if a MW team that isn’t Boise can finally snatch away one of these mythical OOC wins from a P5 program, and just as fascinating to just see where WSU is as a program after the offseason they’ve had in Pullman. 2018 is the season where we see just what kind of man Mike Leach really is, and game 1 is a great place to start.
The goobers will be zoned on:
7:30 pm Eastern – Michigan @ Notre Dame (NBC)
OOH LOOK SHINY GOLD HELMETS EVERYONE STARE FOR THREE HOURS AND RANK EM NUMBER EIGHT! PUT THE STRIPEY ONES AT SIX! IT’S ALL JUST SO SHINY!
The one to watch instead:
6:00 pm Eastern – Boise State @ Troy (ESPNews)
Last season’s Troy v. Boise game ended up way closer than it should’ve been. Troy is stacked, and hyped to celebrate the opening of their new locker rooms with a big win. What bigger than taking down the Goliath of the Group of Five? This is also a good opportunity to get an eye on Boise early and see if this is 10-2 real deal, or RUTS style, uh-oh, they’re going to be making noise at the end at the unfairness of the CFP and claiming a fake natty kind of real deal.
It’s okay to indulge:
8:00 pm Eastern – Louisville @ Alabama (ABC)
Louisville is fun, but Bama is Bama. Maybe watch the first half of this one and be ready to go for the late games.
But when it’s time to go, it’s time:
10:45 pm Eastern – BYU @ Arizona (ESPN)
Convinced only one of the late games will be worth a damn, so you get at least a few plays of this mess until the real entertainment starts…
11:00 pm Eastern – Navy @ Hawaii (CBSSN)
So…Hawaii has like, an offense and stuff. Their defense is still totally suspect and Navy might legit put 750 yards on the Rainbow Warriors, but it doesn’t matter if your run and gun offense can pretty much score at will. The Vegas spread on this game is Navy +11, but I believe that Hawaii is going to do beautiful offensive things and we’re going to get to watch silly touchdowns deep into the night.
Really, could we ask anything more of opening weekend?