When you to a comedy show, keep your mouth shut.

If you go to a symphony, a play, a concert or any other live performance, then you know the protocol of not talking during the performance. It is distracting, to both the audience and the performers who have practiced for hours, days, and even years to hone their craft. They’ve dumped money, time, energy and their heart & soul into their art so friends, family, and strangers can come see them perform. This is the same thing for comedians.

Nobody cares what you think. If you need to have a conversation, go outside. Guarantee you will see a comedian or two outside smoking. Make friends with them. Have a conversation. Talk about your hatred of Trump, Roman Reigns, or man buns. (The last is the greatest threat to modern civilization, don’t @ me.)

A friend of mine tried to record a show earlier this week. Actually, two of my buddies did. They have have been hosting open mic comedy and doing shows for years and have worked their craft to near perfection. They put on the show for free. A FREE SHOW. No cover, just walk in, sit down and shut up. Problem is that many people were incapable of the last part. It was incredibly selfish and arrogant. Our society is obsessed with “look at me pay attention to ME” with our selfies and social media posts boasting how great we are and how the world should bow down in our honor. That’s fucking bullshit. The comedians invited you into their home and asked you to NOT FUCKING TALK for a couple of hours, and you couldn’t do it. They politely asked you to be quiet, the MC did as well. Just a couple hours of quiet time. You couldn’t do it. A fucking toddler can do it, but a grown-ass self important douchebag adult, couldn’t. YOUR conversation was far too important for anyone else. It’s arrogant as hell and a slap in the face to both the comedians and the fellow audience members.

Shut…the fuck…up.

Seriously.

Remember the old Simpsons episode when Homer was less of an asshole and more of an adorable idiot? He goes with Marge to watch a movie at the theatre and ruins the movie for everyone by talking constantly. Marge finally snaps and says “SHUT UP HOMER NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK!”  Yup, you are Homer. Your both and idiot and an asshole. I’m sure there are more than a few people that want to yell that to you, but they don’t out of respect to the performers and the show. The performers are playing it cool but are raging on the inside.

If SHUTTING THE FUCK UP for a couple of hours is that much of a challenge, then just stay home or go to a bar where they aren’t recording a comedy album. You won’t bother anyone and you can talk about Zima, fidget spinners, why kids flip water bottles for fun, or how incredibly dreamy Kris Bryant is.

There are few things you do at a comedy show.  They are laugh, clap, smile, and drink your drink. Occasionally the comedian will ask for the audience to participate but not often, maybe once or twice a show. They have the microphone, you don’t. And there is a reason for that. NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK. I’d be willing to think that some think about taking that microphone cord and wrapping it around your neck and popping your head like a zit. But they don’t, because comedians are not confrontational or violent. Hell, they may even be a little too passive.

You are not more important than the comedy show. The show is more important than you.

Bill Burr has an amazing rant below after a Philly crowd can’t behave themselves. Enjoy it. Also, a bonus video of the greatest joke ever told. Then again, if you talk during a comedy show, you’re probably not smart enough to get it.