Dear Tomi,

Having a rough week? Sorry that your boss is a misogynist jerk and suspended you or whatever. I have no doubt of your ability to bounce away from Glenn Beck’s vortex of bullshit and land on your impeccably shod and pedicured feet.

Look, we need to have a talk. Sit down, I’ll go get whiskey. SD girls don’t fuck around with white wine when there’s serious business to discuss, pretty sure.

To start, I just want to let you know that your logic is sound. The US Constitution is pretty clear about people being their own entities with protected rights with that whole “No person shall … be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law” and “[N]or shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law” thing going on. Roe has stood for 44 years and no amount of holier than thou folks and their legislation can really control women’s bodies. Let’s be real. They can restrict access and defund things that aren’t even funded all they want. They can call it a sin and make women wait and even criminalize miscarriages, or at least make women pay for funerals for those miscarriages, and trust me, Tomi, they will do those things. This country is not going to be a pretty place for women. Even women like you who they like. But they can’t control us all and we have some significant power, being half the population and all. Yay, feminism!

That’s why I wanted to warn you. Women need to take care of women. I wouldn’t let my worst enemy walk around with a period stain, yanno? Wanted to make sure you are aware of your role in the GOP propaganda machine. You’re the millennial Coulter, yeah? There ain’t enough botox in the world for that bitch to be broadcast in HD on 2.8 million screens across the land for much longer. Her schtick is tired. You, however, were supposed to be ‘The One’ until you went on “The View “and admitted, on daytime TV, that it makes no damn sense to protect the 2nd amendment more than the 14th. That pisses off a whole swath of people through the entire Republican coalition. One would think that Glenn, the man who went on Sam Bee’s show and groveled in the press about what a mistake it was to support our president (pardon the lack of capitalization, getting myself to refer to that man with that title has been quite the process), would understand where you’re at here but, alas, he’s a Mormon man and sometimes that is just how they roll. Just look at Harry Reid (D – NV) and Orrin Hatch (R – UT)!

Tomi, you and I don’t agree on much. TBH, I find you infuriating. But we do have some key things in common. First, our opinion on the overarching ideas behind the constitution match up reasonably. Poorly thought out gun restrictions are pointless. We both grew up in small-ish towns in red states and born into “gun culture.” I got my first BB gun at 6 and sleep with a 9mm on the nightstand FFS. A Pro 2A Democrat is about as normal (and popular in party circles!) as a Pro-Choice Republican. We both are loud and opinionated and rarely give enough fucks about anybody else’s thoughts on those opinions to think twice about expressing them. We’re both into politics and feel a pull to be involved in the civic discourse. We’re both western women – being raised in South Dakota, going to school in Vegas, and living in Cali now (impressive career progression, btw) has got to leave an interesting impression on a person.

With the reach you have, Ms. Lahren, you can make a choice, right now, to put on a pair of flip flops and some big sunglasses and throw up a middle finger to the establishment of the GOP and work with people on both sides of the great political divide to build the country of the future. I mean, you’re going to have to learn to listen and think about other people, and that’s probably going to take a not insignificant amount of therapy, so it’s not going to be easy or cheap. Otherwise, you can probably spend a couple of months making videos in your apartment to get those sweet endorphins from people clicking the like button before getting low on cash and taking a cushy position at a local AM radio station to play the role of the Stepford Conservative.

Dunno what you’re goals are, but guessing it’s not getting the highest drive time ratings in the 18-34 male demo. Probably not being spank bank material for bored executives alone in their offices with Fox News on TV either. So, take a couple weeks. Get a bath bomb, max out your forever 21 card, and decide what direction you are going to take your brand. Are you going to be known as one of the millennials who helped overcome divisiveness and apathy to change the world to a place we can all live together chasing life, liberty, pursuit of happiness and all that corny shit? Or are you going to Lohan this bitch and end up with us seeing you on TMZ, missing body parts?

Please, slow down and think for a minute. Maybe take a nap. Don’t rant words to a camera. Sit with your beliefs in silence and calm and ask yourself why you think the way you do. It’s okay, Tomi. It’s past time for you to start troubleshooting why your GPS is leading you to Roger Stone’s whatever. I don’t think you’ll ever win over a majority of women, including myself. But it might be neat to see you try and what the conservative side of the feminist movement brings to the table other than a lack of facts and an overabundance of demands. I would even say nice things about you on the Twitter, and that hasn’t happened once, ever.

Oh yeah, also, don’t stab Glenn in the taint. He doesn’t need another hole to be confused about.

Thanks,
Tami

P.S. – Another similarity – I too know the pain of having a pain in the ass name that people can’t spell. ONE M AND AN I, amirite?