I’m back, rested, and fresh off my bye week. Thanks to Tom for holding it down for me and picking some pretty rad gifs. Remember kids, gamble responsibly. Speaking of Tom, he’s now a fully committed Vikings fan and there’s no better timing, as they’re the league’s only undefeated team going into a bye this week.
Denver Broncos (4-1) at San Diego Chargers (1-4)
The Chargers are really good – really good at finding new ways to lose games. They’ve blown a fourth quarter lead in all of their four losses. Denver has beaten San Diego the last five times they’ve played. The Broncos let their rookie QB get sacked six times in their loss to Atlanta last week, but thankfully for them, Trevor Siemian will be back tonight against the Chargers.
If Philip Rivers and his 15 children can protect the ball and the Chargers defense can pressure Siemian, it might be a closer contest than it seems at first glance.
Winner: Denver
San Francisco 49ers (1-4) at Buffalo Bills (3-2)
So Colin Kaepernick is now the starting quarterback for the struggling 49ers and the Buffalo Bills just manhandled the LA Rams. Both teams are still shit and this is such a boring game. Kaepernick runs like an ostrich.
Winner: Buffalo
Philadelphia Eagles (3-1) at Washington Redskins (3-2)
The Eagles came out against Detroit like a sack of poop – they were not the same team who had been dominate the first three weeks of the season. The good news is that they turned it on in the second half and just barely missed a comeback. If the sack of poop team goes to Washington this week, this will be a sloppy mess. But if the Eagles of the first three weeks of the season show, Washington doesn’t stand a chance. Ryan Mathews is going to run all over the ‘skins this week. So Fly, Eagles…. Fricken fly.
Winner: Eagles
Cleveland Browns (0-5) at Tennessee Titans (2-3)
I will not be watching this game… lol. The Browns are pretty much last in everything, including wins. Because they have none. Cleveland wants the damn season to be over already. They’ll be lucky to escape week 6 without any more giant injuries. This team… I just…
Winner: Titans
Baltimore Ravens (3-2) at New York Giants (2-3)
Giants are the small favorites in this matchup, maybe because Odell has found himself and made peace with the kicking net. His touchdown last week gave me much needed garbage time points, too. He’s on my good list again. The Ravens have been poop the last two weeks, pretty much shitting the bed. Literal poop. Sorry about all the poop this week.
Winner: Giants
Carolina Panthers (1-4) at New Orleans Saints (1-3)
The NFC South, ladies and gentlemen. Unless you’re the Falcons offense. The Saints high-flying offense are going to have a hay day against the Panthers defense who can’t seem to find themselves. But Cam will be back and will have the chance to run around and throw the ball wherever he wants thanks to the Saints non-existent defense. If you like offense, hooray NFC South!
Winner: Saints
Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3) at Chicago Bears (1-4)
Former Bears TE Martellus Bennett had this to say about his time with the Bears: “We just had a bunch of bitches on the roster. That’s why we didn’t win games. And coaches liked the bitches.”
The Bears sure are playing like it. Cheerio to the London Jaguars.
Winner: Jaguars
LA Rams (3-2) at Detroit Lions (2-3)
There are sure a whole lot of mediocre matchups this week, aren’t there? The Rams lost to the Bills last week, which then allowed my Seahawks to slide into first place in the NFC West on their bye week. So thank you, Buffalo. The Lions seemed to have the Eagles number in the first half of the game last week, too. If the first half Lions come out against the baaaaa-ttered Rams, then cool. The Lions prevail.
Winner: Lions
Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1) at Miami Dolphins (1-4)
SPEAKING of sucking, here we have the Dolphins.
Winner: Steelers
Cincinnati Bengals (2-3) at New England Patriots (4-1)
Tom Brady is back and he’s pissed so he’s going to throw a gazillion touchdowns. This could be a preview of the AFC title game if the Bengals ever win a playoff game. Maybe the Bengals will find themselves and make this a game this week. Or Tom Brady will just kill them all with laser touchdowns.
Winner: Patriots
Kansas City Chiefs (2-2) at Oakland Raiders (4-1)
The Chiefs are coming off their bye week and head to Oakland for a divisional game against the, what some may consider, shocker 4-1 Raiders. Jamaal Charles should have a bigger role this week, which could give the Chiefs an extra boost they need to really get rolling this season. The Raiders keep finding ways to win. It’ll be a close one, hopefully one of the better games this week.
Winner: Raiders find a way
Atlanta Falcons (4-1) at Seattle Seahawks (3-1)
Seattle’s early bye week seemed like a curse when the schedules first came out, but really couldn’t have come at a better time after a banged up first few weeks of the season. Russell Wilson needed some healing time, as well as a few other key guys. The Falcons seemingly cannot be stopped, but they have yet to see a defense like Seattle’s. The Seahawks defense thrives at home under the watchful eyes of the 12s. We’ll see if Ryan is for real. On the other side of things, we’ll see how well-rested Wilson is this week. Look for Jimmy to have another big week (last two over 100 yards) and C-Mike to run the ball as well as he raps.
Winner: Seahawks
Dallas Cowboys (4-1) at Green Bay Packers (3-1)
Why is this not the Sunday night game? Dak Prescott is the shit, but seems to think that Tony Romo is actually going to come back and keep the momentum that the Cowboys have. That’s false. Romo is garbage and made of glass. Elliott vs. the Packers rush defense will be the story of the game. Aaron Rodgers is going to throw around like the boss he is. But Prescott can keep proving that he needs to stay under center if the Cowboys want to have a shot at the NFC this year. This is his test.
Winner: Packers
Indianapolis Colts (2-3) at Houston Texans (3-2)
I am SO uninterested in this game. I will use gifs.
Winner: Colts
New York Jets (1-4) at Arizona Cardinals (2-3)
The NFL wonders why their ratings are down. It is not the election, it’s the shitty primetime matchups they’ve had all year. Who the hell planned this shit?
Winner: Cardinals